Handsome World

Jm Airis - Numbers Man

2010-06-01T23:59:00.001-04:00

Indian Summer: Jm Airis

2010-04-20T10:39:00.006-04:00

Dea

2010-02-13T12:09:00.003-05:00

Dead Sparrows

2010-02-13T11:57:00.001-05:00

Dead Sparrows Dead Sparrows Dead Sparrows Dead Sparrows Dead Sparrows Dead Sparrows Dead Sparrows Dead Sparrows Dead Sparrows Dead Sparrows Dead Sparrows Dead Sparrows Dead Sparrows Dead Sparrows Dead Sparrows Dead Sparrows Dead Sparrows Dead Sparrows

Buying movies

2009-09-10T10:20:00.002-04:00

I actually can't remember the last time I bought a movie, but it has been at least 3 or 4 years. However, I just made my first purchase in an extremely long time. And it was this:

Movie featuring Dragons

BLU-RAY BITCHES!!!! The greatest post-apocalyptic dragon movie of all time now in 1080p with 5.1-channel, 48 kHz, 16-bit uncompressed audio. My PS3 anxiously awaits the arrival of my new purchase from whatever ebay location it was purchased from.

Granted, this came out over 2 years ago but I am a little behind the time on my blu-ray release schedules.

And just to drop some science on you, there are 2 other creatures on the planet besides dormant dragons underneath London that secrete separate chemicals in their mouths to create poison: the bombardier beetle and the spitting cobra (although neither of the two's chemicals combine to create nitro-napalm). I will think of that every time I watch possibly the most wonderfully over-acted scene in the movie.

BBQ BDAY BASH

2009-09-03T15:13:00.002-04:00

HA

2009-09-01T11:34:00.005-04:00

The above NY Post headline is hilarious on so many levels,

but this Calvin and Hobbes strip is funny on different levels.

Movie Corner - Reviews

2009-08-26T13:23:00.002-04:00

Hey Movie Buffs,

I was born with three thumbs so naturally I was a destiny'd to be a movie critic. Here are some films that have passed by my desk of late.

Transformers 2: GREAT FLICK! Watched it twice already...Megan Fox kinda looks busted in this one though, probably from fighting so many robots in the first film. Sam Wikipedia (Shia LeBouf) doesn't mind though cause his car is still into her (Autobot Bumblebee) and wont let him see anyone else; plus she's a mechanic so I think there is some sort of underlying love triangle going on. Anyways, the humans and Autobots win this round again, but can they handle a 3rd round from the Decepticons? I dunno but I CANNOT WAIT to find out!

I Love You, Man: Weirdly hits home for me (read: I don't have friends). Paul Rudd turns in yet another Oscar worth performance and Jason Seigel seems pretty cool too.

Woodstock; Then and Now: Hippies realize yet again that they have run low on their stash and attempt to cash in on the one thing they did right 40 years ago. Jimi Hendrix is still awesome/dead. This movie is good if you were there, which you weren't, so it's not.

Don't Mess With the Zohan: Pretty terrible. But if you live in the city (im guessing pretty much any city), its got some great/funny commentary on the Israeli and Palestinian shop owner stereotypes. Weirdly enough Rob Schneider makes a cameo. Do you remember that Looney Tunes where that little dog is always hanging around the bulldog going, "what are we gonna do boss, huh, huh, huh?" Rob Schneider is like that little dog, always riding Adam Sandler's coattails and shit. He should have pursued that roll where he played a gigalo more.

Muppets Movies: Still awesome, cant be beat.

Monsters vs. Aliens: This was really dumb attempt at cashing in on other more awesome animated films (ref: Monsters, Wall-E). Its kinda like Robots in that way, I shut it off.

The Wackness: This is a pretty good movie about the weird time between high school and college. I barely remember it but it's still a good movie. There are a lot of drugs in this movie but they serve a good purpose; as always. I kinda wish I grew up in NYC after watching this movie, kinda, cause the main character seems cooler than I am now...which I guess isn't that hard.
Three Thumbs Up!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! (that's a super high pitched scream)

2009-08-20T16:32:00.003-04:00

What is the world coming too?
So I'm surfing the world wide web as i usually do after breakfast
you know tweeting, facebooking, myspacing the usual stuff i do
and i finally get to my favorite news source on the net YAHOO.COM
and what do i see!
a headline saying " Tom Cruises son following in his fathers footsteps. click here to see what eighties remake he's going to be in!"
a wave of nausea instantly came over me "Eighties remake?" i thought "God please don't let it be..."
I closed my eyes and clicked the link.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKKK!!!

How the shit are you going to go and try to remake the greatest movie of all time?
They are going to remake RED DAWN!!!!!!!!!
That would be like some shitty writer trying to rewrite Have Spacesuit Will Travel!
It just can't be done!
I say again IT JUST CAN'T BE DONE!
i started crying and barfing and peeing and pooping and sneezing all at the same time!
they are going to kill it and fill it with crappy CGI and tom cruses' shitty kid is in it and god does Hollywood just hate me( picture me rolling around on the floor crying and whining or.. as david hasslfot in that drunk burger commercial he did)

just in case you have never seen Red Dawn, here, and you're welcome.
but i warn you be ready to experience the greatest movie ever made in motion picture history.
then i went to IMDB.com to see the cast list and
ok you know what i have to stop right here i'm just so pissed i can't even type.
i'll be back to write more soon.

Where Does Everybody Hangout?

2009-08-19T11:04:00.001-04:00

Im just gonna post Dead Sparrows propaganda until everyone else shows up again

Dead Sparrows - Mercury Lounge 8/6/09

2009-08-11T11:25:00.003-04:00

You know what really grinds my gears?

2009-07-27T01:28:00.005-04:00

Yesterday, like a kid on christmas morning I cracked open the 4th and last book in a hugely popular teen novel series which shall remain unnamed. This was exciting. Each book is about 150 or so odd pages longer than the last and this one is 755 pages to be exact and should successfully distract me from life for some time.

But, about 100 pages in, I finally let myself be truly annoyed by something that nagged at me throughout the last two of the three books I'd read — the constant recaps and summarization, sometimes long-winded, of each character's personality and history. Now, I've been laying in bed so pissed and thinking about it and I've got a hunch that this was something the author was required to do by the publisher for readers who might pick up only one random book in the series. Why would anyone only read one book in an amazingly awesome and entertaining series? I could see them picking up the first book (because they loved the movie so much) but the second? Third?

Well, what about the true fans who have made such a solid commitment (most of my free-time this summer so far, speaking personally) to this series? We know the effing characters because they've become our friends (and enemies), we name our pets...no, we buy pets so that we can name them after characters, we dream about being them, we dress up like them and make our lovers reenact our favorite parts of the story (or we play both parts alone), we make edible portraits of them out of our food and then slowly savor each bite, we forget to shower and eat or sleep because we want to have our heads in their world for as long as we can, we almost drown in the bathtub when things go wrong but save ourselves so we won't miss what happens next... my point is we deserve to not be treated like we are so stupid or uncommitted that we can't remember who these people are, even if we are only 13. Don't get us excited about an extra 150 pages of drama if it's just shit we already know.

And that's what really grinds my gears.

THE SPOT LIGHT!

2009-07-19T23:43:00.002-04:00

Mmmm. Beards

2009-07-15T09:11:00.001-04:00

www.sexiestbeardsonearth.com/hughjackmanaswolverine

Divide and Conquer

2009-06-30T16:09:00.001-04:00

Hey my sister visits and she brought some strange cloud formations with her...weird

R.I.P Jay Bennett

2009-05-27T14:43:00.003-04:00

Earlier this week former multi-insturmentalist of the band Wilco passed away. Jay was a huge contributor to many Wilco albums including Being There, Summerteeth, and Yankee Hotel Foxtrot, as well as their Mermaid Avenue collaborations with Billy Bragg. His presence in the band was greatly noticed and deeply appreciated by fans. A perfectionist and a true lost soul Jay will be missed. The following is a video of Jay and Jeff Tweedy performing a raw version of "Cars cant escape" The video shows the wonderful dynamic that these two very talented musicians shared and also reflects the mood of the moment. R.I.P Jay.

Sports Savior

2009-05-22T16:31:00.003-04:00

Just when you thought sports were going down the tubes when no one would let Oil Can Boyd try a comeback, Clay Zavada goes and redeems all of sports with this killer freaking 'stache. Here's hoping for a long, storied career for Mr. Zavada

Rollie Fingers, you're on notice.

Happiness

2009-05-19T19:45:00.001-04:00

Sometimes I wonder about what on earth makes me the happiest. What out there brings more joy to me than anything else. Freshly baked cookies, oreo blizzards with extra oreo, the love of a good woman, the scene in Airplane when Joey visits the cockpit.

But it isn't any of those things. What really brings me consistent unconditional joy is wolf shirts. A good wolf shirt with the requisite wolf, moon and lightning, with or without an indian chief's shadowy face and/or soaring eagle in the sky, brings me about as much pure happiness a man can feel.

I think you may share this with me as well, although you may not want to admit it. But when we're in a truck stop late at night, deciding whether to buy that Billboard Hits 1985 CD, and we pass by that rack of beautiful screened wolf shirts, we all flirt with them a little, walking by a little slower, letting our gaze linger as we stroll past, not wanting others to see our desire.

Which is why I just spent a large portion of time reading the reviews of other wolf shirt lovers out there at this page. Amazon Wolf Shirt. The reviews are excellent, and the "Customers Who Viewed this Item Also Viewed" section is stellar as well.

Love your wolf shirt:

check this out!

2009-05-07T15:35:00.002-04:00

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kryptos

I have monkeys working on the fourth section right now!

The world's hardest riddle

2009-05-07T15:33:00.000-04:00

I turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champagne bubble.
If you squeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?

97% of Harvard graduates can not figure this riddle out, but 84% of kindergarten students were able to figure this out in 6 minutes or less. Can you guess the correct answer?

poem

2009-05-07T15:23:00.000-04:00

NOTHING TO SAY IN RAINY MAY.

by the scientist

How do I put this?

2009-04-30T20:35:00.001-04:00

As I was drifting off to sleep to my television program of choice: Frasier (something about his voice just soothes me into unconsciousness)...I heard another glorious sound. It may come as a shock to some, but there is a show called Reba on (another shocker) Lifetime Television for women. The show stars Reba McEntire...and the best part is, she sings her own theme song! Are you even allowed to do that? Isn't that sort of like wearing the t-shirt of the band you're in? It got me thinking about other shows where the star sings their own theme song but all I could come up with was Walker, Texas Ranger, staring the impeccable acting and vocal stylings of Chuck Norris. Now I'm curious...what other actors think they're the only ones who can do the job right? Reba McEntire and Chuck Norris can't be the only ones, right?

God, I love a verbal challenge. Even when I lose.

2009-04-29T11:25:00.006-04:00

Wall Posts and Messages between my friend Joe and I. Everything Joe says is like a burst of sunshine in your butt crack.

Joe: Chodey Foster

Joe:To find your prince, sometimes you gotta kiss a few chodes.

Me: I was just listening to your favorite band in college. The Chodies. And I just watched a movie from your favorite director, Steven Choderberhg. Enjoying an ice-cold choda-pop now.

Joe: Thanks for asking, rehab's going excellently!! No more Icehouse for this co-captain; strictly ChO'Douls

Me: Hey! I wanted to go online and write you an e-mail but my chodem wasn't working.

Here's my fave tangent

Joe: can you help me with this froner?

Me: looks like arthritis or maybe bursitis. It's definitely some kind of an itis.

Joe: I got a second opinion; turns out to be a bad case of the whistlin' chup-a-chups. May I borrow your hot water bottle and some Epsom salts?

Me: Oh man. not WCAC. Man my grandpa had that. Apparently that only happens when the testicles are constricted by being old as fuck and of course wearing polyester blend suit pants too many days in a row without washing. Maybe fabreez isn't the answer?

Joe: WCAC (pronounced VUH-KAK), amongst medical professionals and Scientologists that know their shit, is also known as the scrotal stenchy-clenchy. And surprisingly, Fabreez is actually a great deoderizer and works as a balming agent against the constriction, overall gootch tightening, and the dreaded rusty ball-bearings.

In fact, Fabreez has been announced as the top sponser for the 2009 WCAC Father Daughter 110 Decameter Sack Race/Pie Raffle held at Pastor Erickson's backyard grotto. It promises to be a real heavy-petter of a spiritual experience.

Awkward

2009-04-26T19:34:00.001-04:00

Courtesy of awkwardboners.com, here's one for all you Yankee fans out there:

Maddow = Bungle

2009-04-23T09:51:00.003-04:00

At the risk of admitting that I was watching the Rachel Maddow show last night (I like to watch the news before bed, and Larry King interviewing Levi Johnston about sticking it in a Palin daughter is just not my cup of tea), the first five minutes contained this comment about wikipedia disambiguation pages:

Maddow: For example if you search wikipedia for "Vanity Fair," perhaps you are looking for the magazine, or the British novel, or the 2004 film, or the 1932 film, or the jazz/rock song from group Mr. Bungle. But you probably weren't looking for that because it's not their best work.

Now most likely this was a clever line, but I like to think Maddow likes to put on "Love is a Fist" as she bathes in androgyny while Keith Olbermann lies in bed next to her telling her about the glory days when he had a mustache and ruled the world with Dan Patrick.

Your Science Minute

2009-04-22T23:05:00.010-04:00

Hey everyone !

It’s time for your science minute!

Otter-like fossil reveals early seal evolution.

SAY WHAAAAAAT!

Nick and Jim in Animal Science say they've found a "missing link" in the early evolution of seals and walruses — the skeleton of a web-footed, otter-like creature that was evolving away from a life on land.

To bad it was such a crappy design and had to become extinct.

It was probably food for the SUPER SHARK!(seen in pic being killed by many heroic Asians) Later they found out it was only SON of SUPER SHARK! And all got eaten.)

In Space News

A Big “BLOB” was discovered in early universe!

A strange giant space "blob" spotted when the universe was relatively young has got astronomers puzzled. Using space and ground telescopes, us scientists looked back to when the universe was only 800 million years old and found something that was out of proportion and out of time.

The photo is a little fuzzy…sorry my zoom is a little broken.

The rumor here at the lab is that they named the blob “HIMIKO” after Janis Himiko. She works in the Mech Nuclear Weapons Division here in the Lab and can be quite a cunt at times… plus she’s fat.

In Tech News

Apple pulls plug on "Baby Shaker" iPhone program!

WTF! How else am I suppose to practice shaking my baby? Seriously… I’m a Scientist, I work like 16 to 20 hours a day and have no time to practice when I’m at home and I want every shake to count, no weak shakes. What are they going to take away next the zit popper app. Shit.

That’s been your science minute.

When there is another break through I'll be sure to let you know.

This is just awesome

2009-04-22T15:22:00.001-04:00

This is a good workout. I feel tired just watching.

2009-04-22T14:58:00.000-04:00

EMBED-High Speed Treadmill Disaster - Watch more free videos

I love this guy.

2009-04-22T14:46:00.001-04:00

when you need a friend

2009-04-22T14:45:00.001-04:00

Cakes By Skye

2009-04-21T16:01:00.006-04:00

So I've taken it upon myself (for a cut obvi) to promote my girl's custom cake making business. Check these little tasters out!

Daily Apple

2009-04-21T00:03:00.002-04:00

Twitter is great for telling people what you are doing. Or you could just tell them...if they even really care. I can't wait til animals can use twitter because when I am not at home I wonder what the cat and the fish are doing. Is the cat licking his ass? Is he chasing the cockroaches? Is he trying to pet the fish again? I can't wait until I can know all these things, but there's not an app for that.

Race To The Bottom Of The Culture Ladder

2009-04-20T17:11:00.002-04:00

I've got an idea!!... Let's have a race to the bottom of the culture ladder... I'm giving myself a ten-second head start... (By the way, I quit the internet. There is officially nothing left to see.)

Dave Uhrich

2009-04-20T15:48:00.004-04:00

So I went to see a show recently, and was kind of tired so I showed up a little late hoping to miss whatever schlock was opening. However, I failed to realize that they were giving a 90-minute set to the opener and caught about 75 minutes of it. That said, when I walked in, almost a quarter of the crowd's faces were already melted off.

With original songs with names like "Occam's Razor" and "Absolution" and a bass player who would have jabbed himself in the neck if he had worn it any higher, the Dave Uhrich Band was 5% drum solo, 5% slap bass off, 45% regular guitar solo, and 45% finger tapping guitar solo. 0% vocals, because there was too much solo to waste time with vocals.

He covered Bohemian Rhapsody...all of it...on guitar...by himself.
Then he played a medley of just the solos from Stairway to Heaven, We Will Rock You and Hotel California, followed by all of Eruption and the entire Star Spangled Banner.
And then a full cover of Tom Sawyer.

I found out later the guy is Guitar World's 31st ranked living guitarist. I have to admit, when I walked in I was kind of laughing because this guy appeared to be just jacking off really f'ing hard all over his guitar, but in the end it was so over the top you couldn't help but appreciate it.

That and everyone's face was melted.

What Time is It? Thats right, Jorts Time!

2009-04-17T10:55:00.002-04:00

With this beautiful Wisconsin weather breathing life back into me, I felt the need to pay homage to a true Midwestern summertime tradition. Jorts. The wonderful blend of your favorite old holy denim that you just cant seem to part with, and shorts. You can't justify throwing those bad boys away so the next logical step would be to cut off all the area that has the holes in them and make them into sweet shorts.

Jorts are quite versatile. You can garden in them, go to outdoor music festivals in them, roller blade in them, beat your wife in them...... I think you get the point.

Anyway, raise your glass to this beautiful Midwestern tradition because without jorts there never would have been Man-pris.

Allow myself to introduce...myself.

2009-04-17T10:53:00.000-04:00

A woman applied for an opening at my company and she has the EXACT same name as me. First AND last. I've never met another person going through life with the same name. I'm not such an egomaniac that I assume I'm a total original...I'm sure this kind of thing happens all the time. But to have to work with that person and see them EVERY day? I can only imagine the nightmare in meetings, not to mention phone calls, emails and whatnot. I'm pushing for immediate disqualification. I need to find a way to bring this girl down. Suggestions?

Daily Apple

2009-04-17T10:34:00.003-04:00

Success is...

S Sexy
U Ugly...NOT!
C Cocaine
C Collagen
E Exercise
S Stair climber
S Sassy

Bored at work?

2009-04-16T16:35:00.002-04:00

Pass the day away with this!

http://www.ronwinter.tv/drums.html

What are you going to name your electronic side project!

LOVE DAN METH!

2009-04-16T16:09:00.003-04:00

Hey buddies!

Just want you to check out dan meth.

he's great!

Here's his website

http://danmeth.com/

and he also makes these great shorts called the meth minute

hmmm maybe I'll have to change the name of my posts to something more sciency

check this out!

Country Ass Town

2009-04-16T15:32:00.001-04:00

Leprechaun in Mobile, Alabama

2009-04-16T12:46:00.001-04:00

Where the gold at...

I even gave you a nickname,

2009-04-16T11:04:00.001-04:00

but now I'm not going to tell you what it is. Okay it was laser!

Your Daily Apple. Vitimins for Your Brain

2009-04-16T09:31:00.001-04:00

"If we never made mistakes, how would one know they made one and stuff?" - some famous dude.

Bullshit Department

2009-04-15T10:37:00.004-04:00

In the total bullshit department, Area 51 UFO's were apparently a military plane. Guess it isn't balloon research anymore. You, me, Fox Mulder and Bob Engler from the West Wing know the truth.

Lying Government

No way

2009-04-15T10:14:00.001-04:00

Back from LA - Enjoy

Your Science Minute

2009-04-14T19:27:00.003-04:00

Hey guys

Hope your day has been a good one.

My scientist buddies and I have been up to some research and I thought I'd share a little of what we found out this week.

A new study published in the journal for Occupational and Environmental Medicine says that

lack of "Team Spirt" at work can lead to depression. An easy way to fix that is by giving your co-workers a nice pat on the behind or deep french kiss. It works wonders here in the lab.

In Robot news I watched this great video on TED.com about the robots being used in war and though i didn't understand a lot of the big words he was using, the pictures were really cool. It also made me want to watch Short Circuit. Here's the link: http://www.ted.com/talks/view/id/504

And finally in Earth news.

The earth shifted 15cm (that's like 6 inches for you americans) the other day in that quake in Italy. Which just goes to show that we need to start thinking about how to calm Hades God of the Underworld when he gets restless and tries to go around fucking up our shit on the surface of the Planet. I think maybe we should start focusing on building a robot that could drill down to the underworld and tell him to stop or shoot him up full of Xanax or something.

I'll report back with any new findings as soon as they're found!

This has been your Science Minute and stay dry out there.

The Human Body

2009-04-13T12:38:00.000-04:00

I MAX 3D, here i come

2009-04-13T03:06:00.000-04:00

Blog Wars

2009-04-11T10:31:00.002-04:00

It is done.
http://www.ieadd.blogspot.com/

Unicorninja or Ninjacorn

2009-04-10T15:28:00.006-04:00

It may be a bit self absorbed posting a chat with a friend...but this one was one of the better Ive had...I was laughing out loud at my desk...ahhhh office life.

john: do you think Unicorninja or a Ninjacorn is better

me: I think I like ninjacorn

john: a ninjacorn would be a ninja with a horn

me: but it doesn't have the same amount of majesty

john: a unicorninja would be a unicorn in a ninjasuit
OR half ninja half horse like a centaur
i think thats it
with a horn

me: hahahahahah, this is hilarious
I think though, to distinguish it from your average centaur, you would want to make sure that is basically a 80% ninja with a horse head + horn
and maybe one hoof
instead of a hand
that is action grip fitted for a sword

john: hmmm
interesting point

john: you should see him in his glory

me: see what, have you already made a ninjacorn?

john: it is coming to you

me: did you just draw this masterpiece that should be in the MoMa
?

john: i did
most gracious of you
i dont fuck around when it comes to magic

me: I guess not...fuck...its...so....beautiful, yet dangerous AND majestic

john: hahaha
i think i need to copyright it

me: yeah, you better do it fast cause Im on the phone with my agent
hes talking like 4 mil and world fame
opening offer

john: hahaha
shit i need an agent i think
i also had another character called Bi-polar Bear

me: so is this just a polar bear with a personality disorder or one that has both positve and negative pole mangetism

john: personality disorder
so like one sec hes all docile and lovable drinking a coke
like those coke bears
and then hes all
FUCK YOU MY WORLD IS MELTING

me: or one thats a sexually deviant and fucks all types of bears

john: hah

me: even KOALA's!!!!!!

john: hahah
oh god that could get ugly
and messy

me: personality disorders are tough to draw in cartoon form

and then the chat magically continues with another friend later that day

me: oh cool, so youre coming to new york and then going straight to san diego

Rebekah: i don't know
i sort of want to
but i live in a fantasy land

me: with unicorns?
and ninjas, ninjacorns?

Rebekah: awesome!!!!
that's like the best thing i've heard all day
i would like to live in that fantasy land

me: did you get my email?

Rebekah: what color do you think theyd'be?
no
not yet

Rebekah: got it
what about them?
i want them to look cuter
then people would really be taken aback
like whoa! that cute unicornish thing just totally went ninja on my ass
5 minutes

me: just posted, thats a good angle too

me: im gonna edit it so it reads a little better

Rebekah: and then you can add my part of the chat
:)

I look like a 4th person!!

2009-04-09T12:59:00.003-04:00

So last night I went to acquire my Classic Sirloin from the Chili's across from my hotel. While the cashier was unable to figure out how a credit card works, I was soon eating meat and garlic toast in my Marriott king size bed.

Hours later, I went to purchase a Scooby Doo orange push-up ice cream treat from the 7-11 (didn't push-ups used to be Flintstones? When did that change happen?) and the cashier from Chili's was there. Our conversation went like this:

Him: You're Micah, right?
Me: Um, yes...that's a pretty good memory
Him: I remembered it because you look like Tim Roth.
Me: Oh yeah? I've never heard that one before
Him: You don't happen to play music do you?
Me: Nope sorry and I live in Wisconsin, why?
Him: The music scene here sucks and I'm looking for band members
Me: Sorry

I thought about screaming, "This is a Robbery!!!" but figured it might not go over well with my Indian friend behind the 7-11 counter. My ice cream was paid for at that point and I left, but I really started wondering first of all how this guy remembered my name from 5 minutes at Chilis, and second, what in my supposed similarity to Pumpkin qualified me to join this guy for a jam session.

Anyways, Tim Roth can now join the exalted group of Tom Petty, Dirk Nowitski and Steve Nash as my doppelgangers. Or this guy was just high. You make the call. I think I could handle that gun.

Top 25

2009-04-09T09:48:00.002-04:00

Around this time last year, in an attempt to kill some time, Jon and I started exchanging the songs on our 'Top 25 Most Played' ipod list. Needless to say, his was much, much cooler than mine. I love the list because there's no way to pretend that a certain song somehow just found its way on there. There's no getting around the Top 25.

It also made me wonder, how is the list compiled? How many times does a song have to be played to make it to the top? For example, (see also below) what if I was really into my MGMT cd one week? Will my Top 25 adjust itself then? Who knows the answers to my questions? Scientist?

So I pulled out the old list again this morning hoping to see something other than the Kings of Leon infestation I was forced to list last year. No dice. The list is pretty much exactly the same. So here it is, for your viewing pleasure, in all its embarrassing glory:

1) Soft - Kings of Leon
2) The Bucket - (see above)
3) Paper Planes - MIA
4) Taper Jean Girl - ugh
5) Kids - MGMT
6) Time to Pretend - MGMT
7) Let the Beat Build - Lil Wayne
8) Smash Your Head - Girl Talk
9) In Transit - Albert Hammond Jr
10) LES Artistes - Santogold
11) Everyone Gets a Star - Albert Hammond Jr
12) Tears Dry on Their Own - Amy Winehouse
13) California Stars - Billy Bragg and Wilco
14) Weekend Wars - MGMT
15) Skinny Love - Bon Iver
16) Electric Feel - MGMT
17) I Feel it All - Feist
18) Milk - Kings of Leon
19) Believe - The Bravery
20) The Skin of my Yellow Country Teeth - Clap Your Heads
21) Slow Night, So Long - (guess who?)
22) Pistol of Fire - (again)
23) You - Atmosphere
24) Obstacle 1 - Interpol
25) Devil's Waitin - Black Rebel

My new goal is to diversify. I don't want to check back in a month and see the same songs.

Now please share yours so I won't feel so bad.

Birthdays and wallabies

2009-04-08T17:03:00.006-04:00

I have a friend who convinced a four year old (both parties shall remain nameless) that her stuffed bear was really a stuffed wallaby. But instead of calling it a wallaby, she now refers to it as a "kowallaby" so what used to be a simple bear is now some sort of amazing koala bear/wallaby hybrid super animal. BUT, it still looks like a bear! (See above) The poor parents have to go around constantly explaining what happened all while silently cursing their friend. As a casual bystander, not at all involved in the situation, I think the friend should have to make amends to the parents somehow, don't you? Maybe with a sweet birthday drum set?

wild prognostications -> reality

2009-04-06T17:00:00.009-04:00

Some may remember many years ago (2004) when God delivered to me, while eating a Culver's Double ButterBurger Deluxe, the idea of a vanity cell phone whose LCD display morphed into an electrochemical mirror via the push of a button. This has since become somewhat a reality: LG Shine.

That future altering prediction falls a distant second to a more recent one.

I work with NERDs; a statement worthy of caps. In fact, no superlative or hyperbole could accurately render the image of the type of socially inept, asexual pod person that becomes a UNIX sys admin and inevitably works with me. Well, this surprisingly speaks volumes, though most are not bold enough to wear the suit they so desperately wish was made in their size. It is not uncommon that I'm reluctant audience to a handful of overweight albino basement gnomes squabbling about IEEE standards and whether or not Linus Torvalds watches Battlestar Galactica. It is a dark realm of heightened electronic siege and unconsidered reproductive appendages that you'll likely be spared, as most have achieved invisibility around normals.

A few weeks ago, one such high powered mutant came up with such a far fetched, yet curiously possible idea. The grizzled soothsayer was fed a joke that somehow related to camping in the snow, and almost instinctively regurgitated a brilliant Star Wars reference: "Wouldn't it be fucking awesome if they made a sleeping bag modeled after a shaggy Tauntaun?" We collaborated in our vision of the product: a cloth tail along the spine at the base, a stuffed head pillow, furry appendages on both the top and bottom flaps, fluffy Tauntaun guts as insulating stuffing, a built-in audio chip with the classic "and I thought these things smelled bad on the outside" and an optional bad smell module at a nominal fee. A novel idea ... that someone (independently?) must have thought was worthy of an April Fools joke:

Slumber in the Belly of the Beast

Apparently the farce was so popular that they plan on attempting to actually manufacture this.

We didn't envision the lightsaber zipper; a truly brilliant touch -- perhaps you could tie it in to the audio chip and have it cue the lightsaber sound and the Han Solo quote.

My mind exploded when I saw this. This is the shit that gives me hope.

Death to All But Metal

2009-04-06T13:57:00.003-04:00

Today I was introduced to a little wonder called Steel Panther. Apparently they have been around for some time gracing mostly LA with their presence. For those of you who have not had the privilege to hear Steel Panther before, may I suggest taking a peak at this little video:

Umm... Can I Have My Penis Back?

2009-04-03T12:20:00.005-04:00

Last night I browsing my Netflix "watch instantly" queue, when I stumbled across an old gem that I have always had the intention to watch but haven't gotten around to yet.

"Teeth" is a satirical thriller/horror movie that makes social commentary on the ongoing problem that our young women today are experiencing that is "vagina dentata." What is vagina dentata you might ask? Well duh, its Latin for toothed vagina. Read a fucking book.

The movie starts with a strong theme in religious sexual "purity" with the Jonas Brothers rings and everything. After a startling sexual assault by one of her "purity" classmates, the main character Dawn finds out that she has the ability to sever any penis, finger or any thing else that is in her vagina that she doesn't feel comfortable with. This power turns into a moral struggle that I think most young women who suffer from vagina dentata deal with. Should I use my um condition to cleanse the world of bad dudes, or should I figure out a way to control my vagina? I know i know, it has to be a terribly difficult decision for the thousands of young suburban American women who suffer from vagina dentata to have to face on a daily basis. The movie covers the pitfalls and the glory of both promiscuity and abstinence as well as the power one has with a toothed vagina. Amazing.

For all the young women out there who have teeth in their vagina, there is help out there. Watch this movie, it will shine a light on your vagina like never before. Plus there is this scene where one of the severed penises totally gets eaten by a dog right in front of the dude. Awesome!

Dear Otter: We're OVER.

2009-04-03T10:16:00.003-04:00

Stop what you're doing and watch this video this instant! It melted my cold, black heart in mere seconds. Hopefully he'll live a long, healthy life and not end up on the top of Jon's BK Burger Shots.

Fuckin' Burger Shots

2009-04-02T14:22:00.007-04:00

NEW YORK, New York -- I consider myself adventurous. I like to try new things. And like all adventuring persons, not all of those adventures are in the name of good health.

Today's adventure took me up exotic Fifth Avenue to New York's remote Midtown Burger King, home to homeless folk, unnecessarily obnoxious middle school students and beat cops. It's a complex ecosystem in delicate balance where the slightest disturbance might unhinge schizophrenics or counter jockeys alike. I've made my way here for the new mysterious Burger Shots snack advertised on all major networks all the time.

From the documentation, the Burger Shot resembles the southwestern Angus patties prized for their lower fat content and juiciness. I mean look at the little fellas -- so elegant looking with their flame-broiled stripes and golden bun. You can almost imagine the majesty of adding cheese to their crowns. But at the same time, something looks quite familiar about them; I can't quite place it. Yes, to the untrained eye they could be confused for that gang from the other side of the tracks -- the White Castle Sliders, but I have a discerning intellect and haven't made that mistake. Still, I just can't place it.

I wade stealthly to the counter area and in a sweet, assertive voice tell the cashier "a round of burger shots, please" and add "why don't ya toss some chez up on them bitches" so as not to seem out of place and be taken advantage of. I've rubbed hot apple pies all over my body to mask my scent... and to just smell good, and with a subtle change in my speech I'm virtually undetectable. So with my burger shots in toe, I make my way through the building, out the door back into the streets and back to my desk to evaluate my research, and then it hits me. These little "Burger Shots" as they call them are just "Burger Buddies" from the late 80s. I use to eat these little guys at birthday parties, at the Mall, when there was still an arcade... I loved that arcade... But seriously, I've been duped!

***Spoiler Alert***

In Conclusion: There is nothing adventurous about Burger Shots. It's a rouse and I'm a dope. I just hope others can learn from my experiences and avoid the humiliation of believing they've found a new beautiful meal in God's wild kingdom.

Sorry Mom!!!!

2009-04-01T15:42:00.003-04:00

I'm sure the female followers of the Handsome World have several stories they could contribute to my new favorite site.

*thank you Cristo for introducing me to Sorry Mom!!!!

April Fools... World!

2009-04-01T02:40:00.005-04:00

So today is April 1st, activation day for the Conficker virus and god only knows what will happen to the 9 to 15 million computers that are infected with it.

What I'm hoping for is a sequel to that sweet Hackers movie that came out in 1995!

Remember how HOT Angelina was in that movie! You get to see her boob for like two seconds... and it's so fucking RAD!

And if you pause it you can look at it as long as you want!

I guess i'll just be glad that this won't effect me or probably any of you seeing how i haven't used a PC in like seven years.

But I say good luck to the French air force, Royal navy, Sheffield hospital network, UK Ministry of defence and all the other PC users who are going to get all there porn or whatever ripped away from them when that baby kicks in.

HAPPY APRIL FOOLS DAY EVERYBODY!

____________________________________

I would also like to take this time thank the wonderful peeps at handsome world for allowing me to be the newest contributer

THANKS... now check out these boobs i found on google images.

I think it's true love

2009-03-31T13:58:00.003-04:00

I just adopted these needy little guys. Their MSRP is let's just say in the four digit range....but I scored them for $50 bucks. I don't think I've ever felt this close to ecstatic before.

TONIGHT ON THE BOWERY

2009-03-30T15:33:00.002-04:00

this is going to happen!

AHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!

2009-03-28T14:21:00.002-04:00

Here are a couple of recent news stories to brighten up your day!

COTTONWOOD, Ariz. — A bobcat has attacked three people in the central Arizona community of Cottonwood, including two men who were bitten by the animal after it wandered inside a bar.

Officers called to the Chapparal Bar arrived to find the bobcat in the parking lot, where they shot and killed it.

Tests were ordered to determine if the animal was rabid. It wasn't clear how seriously the victims had been wounded.

Cottonwood police say the animal attacked Monday when it scratched a woman who thought she had hit it with her car. Then police got a report of a bobcat acting aggressively toward a woman outside a Pizza Hut.

About 11 p.m. came the call from the bar that a bobcat was inside as patrons climbed atop bar stools to get away.

___

Information from: KVRD-FM, http://www.myradioplace.com/

Vince Shlomi, ShamWow Pitchman, Arrested For Battering Hooker

ShamWow pitchman Vince Shlomi was arrested on felony battery charges in Miami last month following a violent encounter with a hooker, according to The Smoking Gun:

Shlomi told cops he paid [Sasha] Harris about $1000 in cash after she "propositioned him for straight sex." Shlomi said that when he kissed Harris, she suddenly "bit his tongue and would not let go." Shlomi then punched Harris several times until she released his tongue. The affidavit...notes that during the 4 AM fight Harris sustained facial fractures and lacerations all over her face.... After freeing his tongue, a bleeding Shlomi ran to the [hotel] lobby, where security summoned cops. Harris refused to cooperate with officers, who recovered $930 from her purse.
Harris is reportedly considering a lawsuit against Shlomi, though prosecutors "declined to file formal charges" against him.

Watch him pitch the ShamWow below:

Today In History: March 27

2009-03-27T09:39:00.006-04:00

Good Morning Historianites! Today was a big, big day in history, so let's take a look into the files and see what happened!

1. 1790 - The shoelace was invented!! Hooray! Instead of being completely satisfied with slip-ons or leather-banded roman sandals, culture came up with the shoelace - a far more complicated way of keeping those soles strapped to your feet. It would be centuries before we created velcro, helping us inch back toward footwear ease. But that wouldn't stop shoelaces, they're still around. There are even people stupid enough to create blogs about it!!!

2. 1973 - Today was the day of the 45th Academy Awards! And the night that Marlon Brando, nominated for Best Actor for his performance in the Godfather, would refuse to accept his Oscar on behalf of the struggling native peoples of America. Apparently, Brando was protesting the depiction and treatment of Indians in Hollywood pictures, which makes a lot of sense considering there were tons of Indians in the Godfather. Good job, Marlon on taking on a cause for a few years.

3. 1982 - Sadly, musical performances of "The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas" ceased today, ending a run of 1577 shows. Really Sad. Everyone loves a good whore, but 1982 was also the year the musical was adapted to film and starred Dolly Parton and her big cans. Everyone rejoiced at the idea they might get a peak at those babies. Then everyone was sad again when they didn't. Now, Dolly isn't much of a whore - although Dollywood really blurs the lines a bit... she might be a commercial whore - but I think a lot of us will agree that if she was a whore, we'd like to take a gander at that tasty set of hers. I mean seriously, those are some big guns. I'm not into prostitution, but I do believe in rewarding excellence and I think maybe she should win a cash prize for those things.

Now, that we've covered the peripheral stuff, let's get down to business. Real business...

4. 1985 - Billy Dee Williams is given his star on the walk of fame. Lando Calrissian, space hustler extraordinare, given the shiny key to Hollywood... which he no doubt lost gambling space credits he couldn't cover in a game of Zinbiddle with Walex Blissex. Easy come, easy go Lando. But the award was meant to honor great performances such as this one.

and finally...

5. 1988 - In what could only be considered the greatest sporting event of the century, Macho Man Randy Savage pins Ted Dibiase for the WWF Title at Wrestlemania IV. Now, Macho Man was tired... Real tired. Anyone would be after having to beat One Man Gang in a qualifying match, and Dibiase took full advantage of it. But Savage battled back, trying to land a Savage Elbow on Dibiase, who moved at the last second and countered with his own Million Dollar Dream, a near flawless manuever guaranteed to drop the most fierce opponents into an asphyxiated sleep. But Savage's old pal, Hulk Hogan hit Dibiase with a chair when the referee wasn't looking, which allowed Savage to escape Dibiase's clutches and attempt another Savage Elbow from the top turnbuckle. This time Savage landed it and after the three count became the World Wrestling Federation's Champion. The two buddies celebrated by holding up posters of Miss Elizabeth, Savage's lady friend and snapping into Slim Jims. Later Hogan and Savage would create the awesome tagteam of "The Mega Powers" which ruled the WWF for 14 months... How 'bout that!!!

mmm, mmm, good

2009-03-26T19:07:00.003-04:00

Wow! you are thinking, this looks like a delicious carrot cake with scrumptious cream cheese icing, cut me a slab! -but this is where you are wrong. What we have here is a cake made of meatloaf layered with mashed potato frosting. Requesting one for your next birthday? Then check out some other interesting (heart attack-inducing) food combos

Jersey's Hair Crisis Is Over

2009-03-23T16:47:00.003-04:00

The AquaNet capital of the world has finally figured out their hair down there crisis.

We can all let out our collective sigh of relief.

Greetings!

2009-03-23T15:41:00.002-04:00

Hi all. Jenny Jackets invited me to your world. I will now attempt to amaze and enchant you with my brand of distilled interweb juice.

Thanks for having me.

-fahquah (jello-sweater)

JM vs. the Cockroach

2009-03-23T13:12:00.005-04:00

Spring is upon us and for me that mostly means resuming my epic struggle against cockroaches.

I pride myself on being able to keep a cool head when one of these lil fuckers makes its presence known and because of this, I have become skilled in assassinating them one at a time...deliberatly and without guilt or remorse.

I don't believe that any species should outlive our nuclear war. We made the bombs, not them, what do they bring to the table in the total annihilation game? Nothing, plus they're pretty gross looking in general.

My favorite style is the straight up foot squash, but this is not always the most effective because these guys are fast and can go places your foot is rendered ineffective. Also, I've heard this spreads their eggs. That's where having the proper tools makes all the difference.

This is a good one. My girl has got these things laying all over the house and they're good for sweeping them out of cracks and corners; cause lets face it, cockroaches are super thin!

Also, having an empty coffee can or glass-that-you-don't-drink-out-of helps too when you want so savor the victory and flush them down the ole water works. But if you go with this method, have something flat handy...like a CD ready to go. But honestly I don't trust that they're dying and not just making a huge sewer society or something. Use with caution!

But the most important weapon of all is consistency. These guys talk, and if it becomes known that you're the type of household that let's them do their thing and get away with it, pretty soon they're gonna be all up in your kitchen eating your cereal...FUCK THAT!

So these things are ninjas too; you get a split second to be surprised, thats perfectly acceptable, but then your next steps are to remain calm, assess the situation, arm yourself and get to it.

Happy Monday!

2009-03-23T11:52:00.000-04:00

for your monday enjoyment

Same order. 3 second Flash....ready...go!

2009-03-23T11:45:00.002-04:00

Tiger Daughters 1st Official Photo Shoot

2009-03-18T14:51:00.004-04:00

Go Here to listen to some hot tracks

Today you should have seen me and Mousey today, at school today.

2009-03-18T12:35:00.003-04:00

I recently re watched this movie "Outside Providence." Turns out it is actually a damn good movie... Anyway this is a scene from the movie that couldn't possibly be written any better. I laugh like a bastard every time.

By The Way Other Michael Huggins...

2009-03-17T15:51:00.001-04:00

This is what I look like. This is what I do. I'll fucking kill you...

Michael Huggins!!! Tech Expo!!! NO!!!!

2009-03-17T15:41:00.002-04:00

Look, I don't think this is funny: find some poor, out-of-work actor sluffing it in the sububs of Taos, New Mexico who vaguely looks like me, or looks like what I sorta looked like at the end of high school when I still had hair, give him a ticket to the 2007 Tech Expo and then film him and throw it up on Youtube? I'm not cool with this at all... I swear I'll find you Michael Huggins... Or wait, are you the Michael Huggins that has been getting all my emails for nearly ten years now? A girl told me once that she sent some naked pictures to me at that address and you never forwarded them to me (she took more later, but that isn't the point). I want them back, you sneaky little shit, so you can't keep telling your tech buddies that this is the girl you rammed in the bathroom at the Gravy'n'Fries Palace in downtown Thunder Bay, Canada. You know, the one you've been talking about for years...

Rafael Saadiq - The Way I See It

2009-03-17T14:13:00.006-04:00

So, I think I remember Tony! Toni! Tone!... I think... Certainly not as well as some people may. It wasn't my thing. I drew the line with Bel Biv Devoe. (Those of you that know him, I think my parents have a video of Chris Wilger dancing to 'Poison' in the middle school talent show... shhh! If I find it, I'll post it on Youtube)... But the sun has gone down on the Motown Phili crew and all their assorted contemporaries. It certainly doesn't appear Tony! Toni! Tone! is selling a lot of albums these days, but if you're looking for a cd that'll set you back less than its shipping cost, well... (Which reminds me to have all of you remind to do a list of albums that were once awesome and now sell for less than a $1 on Amazon).

But the thing is lead vocalist for the group, Rafael Saadiq, aka Rafael Wiggins, aka Charlie Ray Wiggins put out an absolutely mindblowing album toward the end of last year, The Way I See It, which I heard over the weekend (thank god for midwest girls and their interest in the later careers of dudes they listened to when they were young). Now from what I can tell, most of the American music press panned the album: Pitchfork gave it a 6.8, Rolling Stone essentially argued that it was only a good album because Amy Winehouse had restabilized R&B, etc. But I found the forelinked review on British site, The Independent, from the end of last month. Better late than never... And Reckless Records in Chicago said they've been seeing an increased demand, so hopefully Saadiq will get the attention he deserves.

Crack Head Leprechaun

2009-03-16T19:25:00.004-04:00

In anticipation of the impending holiday that is St Patty's Day, here is a video that will hopefully remind us what the holiday is actually about. (Its not just about drinking Powers guys...)

Who knew otters slept so effing much?

2009-03-12T15:41:00.002-04:00

Fine, I guess he was found struggling near the brink of death, I'll give him that. That probably took the wind out of his tiny sails. But now he's being nursed back to health with a cozy bed and toys for entertainment. I've been watching him on his web cam anxiously all day and for what? If he's not running around and doing back flips for my amusement by tomorrow, I want my money back.

As long as we are talking cats and mountains

2009-03-06T20:53:00.002-05:00

Let's talk skiing cats

Kitlers

2009-03-06T11:34:00.002-05:00

Gram told me about this absolutely hilarious blog... Cats that look like Hitler.

I always knew those little fuckers were up to no good

Blogging from 12,000 Feet

2009-03-06T11:31:00.002-05:00

I just got back from skiing in colorado at Copper Mtn...here is the view from 12,000 ft above sea level.

Please Advise

2009-03-03T10:35:00.002-05:00

Can everyone please stop what they're doing and read this immediately? Totes poetic. Maybe if we all talk about how rad it is, we can get him to write for us.

Naked Gun

2009-02-27T17:20:00.002-05:00

This is a After bar that I walked into at my buddy Nolan's House. No joke. Just thought I would share.

A Motivational Salute to Drugs

2009-02-27T12:01:00.008-05:00

Sadly, I'm pretty sure this is exactly what I looked like in 2000...

The best 5 dollars I've ever spent

2009-02-25T17:58:00.000-05:00

I downloaded Super Mario 3 on Wii last night. Needless to say, it's amazing. Everything about the game, all of the 'secret' wings, whistles, etc, just sort of come back to you when you start playing. The graphics also look stunning on a 42 inch flat screen. If you thought they were meager before...you haven't seen anything yet!

My favorite is the boot. My informal survey of other nerds concluded that most people called it 'the sock.' Apparently it's official name is Goomba's Shoe. Who knew?

My Top 5 Embarrassing Fashion Mistakes and Years I Made Them

2009-02-25T13:36:00.001-05:00

Look, we all had them. BIG mistakes. Though, sadly I fear I had them worst than most - especially as a smalltown kid from the gentile plains of Wisconsin with a minority index of 4%. But I learned from it, and that's the key: to learn from those mistakes or frankly, just ignore fashion completely. But it was harder as a kid. Our smarts were attributes of scorn, not weapons against the dumb. And the sad reality is that fashion was a defining social symbol. So in the spirit of coming clean and accepting adulthood, I offer you, my friends, a breakdown of the bullshit I succumbed to...

1. Cross Colours (1992-93) - You know, if I could claim I was wearing this stuff because I was against Apartheid that would have been one thing, but that wasn't it. Looking back on it, I got my first pair of Cross Colours jeans - a fairly expensive brand for a 7th grader considering my parents wouldn't spring for Girbaud - shortly after getting into Naughty by Nature, Ice Cube and yeah unfortunately, Kris Kross. I never wore them backward, but even the sad spectrum of my hip-hop taste shows I was turned around enough without the pants. I even had a pair that were candy striped with thick green and white bands. Cross Colours was one of the first brands I was into. And they still make this shit. It's even more embarrassing than ever.

2. Oakley Razors (1992-94) - I was talking with a lady just last night about these, trying to say I was done wearing them by the end of 7th grade, but it was a lie. And a bad one. She outed me in less than 10 seconds. I wore them into 8th grade. So sad. But sadder still is that they remain featured on Oakley's website, though they are no longer available. As if they're some kind of vintage prize, a treasured part of their history. I don't go waving my Jose Canseco rookie cards around like they mean anything, no need for Oakley to do the equivalent. It was a mistake for me at that early age. And its a bigger one to pay homage to your own product like that. This is the kind of shit that Danny McBride wears in East Bound and Down. I bet someone somewhere is selling them in a package deal with one of those hats with the built in ponytails. Fuck. That was a bad one.

3. Kikwear (2000) - I was WAY too old for this stuff, but I was on drugs. It's true. Which with all the drooling and eye-popping bizarro looks is like willingly time-traveling back to the first 18 months of life without your body changing... except for all the sweating. When I started taking Ecstasy, I started wearing the clothes that went along with it. When I stopped taking the drugs a short while later, I hid the clothes. It's amazing to me that there is a mind control drug so powerful that it can create an entire culture of people in huge pants and tech vests. Does everyone that takes Ecstasy wear this shit? No. And I'm still unsure how it happened to me. Just thinking about it, I need an inhaler... preferably one unlined with Vix nasal balm.

4. The "Biff" Hairdo (Intermittently, 1990-1993) - Otherwise known to people as a skater's cut from the 90s (picture unavailable), the cut essentially shaved your head everywhere but for a mass of length that hung to one side covering half your face and half of what had been shaved. It gave the impression that you didn't care, especially when you returned questions with a blank stare, but the honest truth was that from 5th grade through 8th grade I didn't even know what Libertarianism was or Quantum Physics for that matter. Somewhere there are some Halloween pictures from 4th grade of me as a skater tooling around grade school, and somehow my parents never noticed when the costume became a fashion statement, in various incarnations, for the next four years. Thanks Mom. Good looking out.

5. Dyed Orange Hair (1995-1997) - Yeah, those were the nomad years of high school. I was "experimenting"... with the same awful hair coloring, over and over... Jesus, what a disappointment I was to Jesus. At one point, my brilliant plan was to try to go grey, which would have been awesome, as in my current state of balding my body's deterioration is racing to see if I can get to salt & pepper before there is nothing left to season. But every time I tried for it, I ended up a strange shade of pink - like a salmon or barf color. The bright side was that my mother, observing the consistent and significant folly I managed through these trials, decided she'd just let her hair go whatever color it pleased. I was always the guinea pig of the family.

So, yeah. There it is. A blind list of 5 unforgettable embarrassments... To be sure, there are countless others, but if you remember them - and remember them well enough to spew them forth from memory in between fits of mocking laughter - give me a day or so to feel as though I got away with this before you commence the onslaught. That way it'll hurt more. And you'll feel twice as fulfilled... You fucking bully.

You don't know what I've got either

2009-02-25T09:30:00.000-05:00

Is everyone scared to post because the last one was so amazing? I know I am.

On an unrelated note, I finally watched East Bound and Down. Do you think the permed mullet will make a comeback?

Fucking ROBBERY!!

2009-02-23T10:11:00.000-05:00

Yeah, yeah... so this is a post about the Oscars. Now, I could spend a few pages talking about the shame and embarrassment Hugh Jackman must feel for nancy-prancing through a medley of cheap parlor renditions of this year's nominees. Or lament appropriately about the loss of Paul Newman, Richard Widmark and Van Johnson. Or make some sort of cynical statement about how predictable the Academy is with its lavish flowering of Slumdog Millionaire for all sorts of awards. But instead, let me just take a couple of minutes to sink into the myre of blog conformity and whine from my digital toadstool about this year's Best Actor category... And I'm well aware I'm about to do this... Mickey Rourke was FUCKING robbed. I don't care how good you thought Sean Penn was - how great it was that his portrayl of gay rights martyr Harvey Milk brought to light even more details of the long struggle for equal rights in this country or how much it illustrated his tenured acting abilities to play a career's worth of bad boy hardasses and then oscillate seamlessly into a bright, flamboyant smiling gay man... These things are undeniably true - and Penn's acceptance speech was both proof that he is an actor that, despite public persona, can't and shouldn't be ignored and that some actors can prove a larger value to their work in the social sphere (Yet, as it was pointed out to me, he didn't thank his wife - neither at the Golden Globes or the Oscars, and this I frankly think is inexcusable regardless their personal issues).

But that doesn't change the fact that Mickey Rourke should have won the award. His portrayl of Randy "the Ram" Robinson may not have been the biggest departure from his real life. The film's subject matter may not have had the social weight that Best Picture winners typically have. And Rourke's reclusive, spotted past may not be the sort of pedigree that the Academy feels moved enough to reward, but FUCK man, that film was so... honest. When I watch a film I like scripts with powerful, prosaic dialogue. I like beautiful cinematography. I like well-weaved narratives. But more than anything else, what really moves me is a parallel to reality that offers me a clearer possibility of how things could be and then an exploration of how things often turn out. I like films about the total cost of a story, of people and their choices. And I like the actor that sells it to me. That's Rourke. At so many points in the film, you see him holding himself together (literally with duct tape) just to provide a few kids with a laugh, a few fans with a thrill, a stripper with her dignity, a few deli patrons with a little light entertainment, and he's rewarded with little more than a few moments of opportunity for himself - with his estranged daughter, with his addiction to steroids, with the stripper. But the weight is just too great and the plebian complex of the deli manager is too large and the pockets of the trailer park manager are too shallow and his daughter's capacity for pain has just run her down too much. And in the end it's a matter of bad timing. A man once a star to many - as delusional as his fans - has awakened to a future he never prepared for, a humility few could bear and he's just too beaten to take another risk, to suffer any more indignity. He's become a plastic action figure, a symbol of dying fantasy and fading paint and all he can think to do with his tired, broken life is make that leap one last time from the top ropes and pray that when he lands he is remembered for where he started and not where he ended up. A name in the credits. One of a million bulbs burning, shattered and replaced.

So Mickey, that one was yours. Fuck the lot of 'em. Even Penn knew it. He told you. We saw your hands quiver, your eyes clench tight behind those glasses. That was your award. You earned it. I've never been so caught up in the outcome of an Academy Award in my life, and I know that's a little weird. Like guys and sports teams. But I just don't want to see you become the man in real life that flounders in parallel to one you played on screen. Don't go out like the movie, Mickey. Don't flicker. Keep coming on strong.

Our condolences about Loki.

Gluttons For Themselves

2009-02-20T11:39:00.000-05:00

So I was browsing my favorite liberal propaganda blog site The Huffington Post, when I came across a very gut wrenching headline. The headline reads as follows: "Coldplay, The Killers, and Bono play the best encore ever." The best encore ever? Really?

First of all what kind of narrow minded bias arrogant prick would write that about any band, let alone England's reincarnated version of the Monkeys, Americas Frat boys turned drug pop morons, and Ireland's foremost egotistical douche bag?

After I calmed down a bit, I got to thinking. This article was probably written by Coldplay, The Killers, and Bono!It makes perfect sense! Chris Martin (lead douche of Coldplay) was once quoted in reference to one of their songs on the upcoming release of their smash album "Viva La Vida Or Death and All His Friends" as "The greatest song ever written." (see other awesome Douche Martin quotes here) He wouldn't say which one, you would have to buy the album to find out.

Then we have The Killers. These guys give a whole new meaning to "Brodeo." Hey Killers, just because you banged a couple hot girls and figured out that Cocaine and Valium are pretty kick ass, doesn't make your music or your band any more interesting. You aren't the first guys to take a stripper home and do lines off her ass while playing a keyboard!

Finally Bono. This guy honestly believes he is bigger than the music he "creates." In fact he believes he is a true gift to society. Granted he has done a lot of great work for the AIDS crisis and other social causes around the world, he hasn't put out a decent album since "War." I cant help but feel that his social causes are a selfish attempt to line his own pockets. (2006 Virtigo tour grossed 376 million dollars in revenue.) Bono gives his own meaning to self righteous pretension.

In closing, "the greatest encore ever?" Maybe. The greatest display of douchebagery? Definitely.

One Good Duff Demands Another

2009-02-20T10:30:00.000-05:00

So, I guess I'm going to ride Graham's coattails on this one. Duff McKagan? I love him. Seriously. Perhaps my favorite junkie-turn-politico rocker. Hands down. I caught the Playboy article. And a bunch of the other things he's been writing lately. He's a regular blogger for the Seattle Weekly, and some of his thoughts aren't bad. Or at least aren't worse than mine. But there is something a little strange in the air - the things coming out of his head, I mean. Financial Advice? Commentary on the new Era of Responsibility? I mean I realize the new president has ushered in a sense that all citizen's opinions matter, but I still can't shake the feeling that maybe some professionals should stick to what they're good at? Yeah, yeah, I'm a little conservative. Everyone has a right to an opinion. Blah, blah. But freedom is not only about the freedom to, it includes the freedom from - a concept ignored by entertainers on a number of levels. Personally, I enjoy the freedom from thinking they're idiots, the freedom from having to sift through a myre of garbled, reactionary distractions when I just want to rock. So Duff, you have opinions. I can deal with that. It's cool. But maybe don't seem so confident tackling all the world's problems one blog post at a time? I mean Ani DiFranco writes political poems and recites them in the middle of her concerts and thousands of infuriatingly blind liberal college women take it as truth. All it takes is five minutes and an acoustic guitar and a whole $100,000 education is wiped out. Rendered useless. Ignored. It's a fucking disaster. Don't be like that. Please. I know it isn't your responsibility that they/we don't ever research our opinions or think of the total cost of our actions, but this is the New Era of Responsibility, remember?

Finance advise from Duff??

2009-02-20T01:42:00.000-05:00

I've just spent some quality "alone time" in my bathroom with the most recent copy of Playboy magazine. Now, as I'm sure most of you agree, I read this publication purely for the articles (seeing as there is way better free porn available online) but I was, and I'm not exaggerating here, blindsided by the financial advise given in the stocks and bonds markets!!

I love Duff, but really???

Good Morning, Photo

2009-02-19T12:08:00.000-05:00

Saw this truck on the way to work this morning. I think its a new design for carrying large crooked things like couches or giraffes.

big bad world

2009-02-19T11:50:00.001-05:00

I'm a pretty paranoid person. For instance, when I go to throw my garbage down the trash chute, I am convinced someone is hiding behind the door ready to shove me down the chute. Where did this paranoia come from? So now instead of just throwing my trash away like a normal person I have to make a big scene swinging open the door to make sure no one is lurking behind it. I've spent more than a few hours debating internally a) why anyone would do this b) why anyone would care enough c) if I would actually fit down there and d) what sorts of things I'd see, assuming I made it to the dumpster and didn't get stuck in the chute.

Imagine my relief when I realized I could blame this all on television. I remembered waaaaaay back to J646: Mass Media and the Consumer and the 'Big Bad World Theory.' I'm guessing that's not the scientific name. And you also don't exactly have to be a genius to realize that my 8 hour Law and Order marathons might have a little something to do with the fact that I think someone has the LAMEST life ever and just sits in a 3 x 5 foot room waiting to toss victims down a trash chute.

It makes me wonder if other people have these weird fears like I do. My friend Adam is afraid of turkeys. That's pretty hilarious. Anyone else care to share?

Everyone Load Your Guns

2009-02-18T17:15:00.000-05:00

Today was a special day for me.

I met one of my heroes Tom Bulleit. Tom is the head distiller of Bulleit bourbon, which in my opinion is the best bourbon you can get your drinking hands on for the price. Bulleit (pronounced just like the ammunition that occupies your side arm) has been a part of my drinking pride for about two years now, but has recently gained in popularity which to my joy has made it much more accessible. For the first year or so I would have to special order it from my local liquor joint, but now I can find it almost anywhere I find myself wetting my lips.

My advice to anyone who cares for it is this: Put down your Jameson shots, your Macallan neat, and even your Powers on the rocks. Pick up the Bulleit, weather it is neat, on the rocks or shaken up in a delicious Manhattan, this fine spirit will constantly keep your gun loaded and give you the marksmanship that you need for a night out on the town.

With Great Fur Comes Great Responsibility

2009-02-18T12:06:00.000-05:00

Do not serve this girl!

My dearest JM was telling me about his lady's "evil" fur coat. At first I thought it was haunted or something but he told me that when she wears it, she adopts quite the 'tude. Totally ballin' and parties way too hard. As I thought about it, I realized the last time I wore my fur coat I was falling out of cabs and throwing up in bar bathroom stalls. Classy lady, I know. My fur is ripped to shreds and has blood stains on it, but I still love it. I think it may be the most ballin' item of clothing I own. The fur makes us take on an alternate personality. Which means we obviously need to have a fur coat party. Hopefully we all make it out alive.

FLOE RIDA

2009-02-18T12:01:00.000-05:00

As I walk into work yesterday, two of my kitchen staff guys are sitting at the bar giggling at the local news paper. Of course I inquire as to what it is that they are laughing about, and they point to an article that reports about three UW Eau Claire students who decided it would be a good idea to hop on a large floe of ice that had broken off and was floating down the Chippewa river.

"What?" You may be asking. "Yes!" is my response. You can read the full article here

I have never been really proud of my hometown, but this seals the deal.

Farewell Eau Claire, I will no longer wonder why your student population is dying in the Chippewa river.

I think that I went to Far

2009-02-18T11:21:00.000-05:00

I remember one time when my friend Jacy invited me over to his sweet pad to see some of his video collection. One of the choice smut flicks he showed me involved an amputee, a prosthetic leg and a sweet 70's mustache among other things i've probably mentally blocked at this point. Anyways, after this film I remember saying aloud but mostly to myself, "I think I wish I hadn't just watched that and I probably don't need to see something like that ever again."

Well today I had a similar feeling after I listened to the 911 call of the recent incident involving chimpanzee attacking a lady and essentially biting off both of her hands and eating her face.

I wish I hadn't of done that.

listen here at NY Daily News

Is 'unimpressed' a word?

2009-02-18T10:53:00.000-05:00

I am not thrilled with the new Marc by Marc. It's like all of his time and thought went into making the Collection line as insane as possible that he gave up and just dug out his old designs from Perry Ellis in 1992. Thoughts?

Meet Keith

2009-02-18T10:49:00.000-05:00

Keith the 10 foot boa constrictor was terrorizing loos across London a few years back, popping in from time to time to check on his fave cheeky brits. I stumbled across Keith after reading about a Brooklyn boy's b-day bash crashed by a boa constrictor. Quietly coloring on the couch, Jhomar Bennett 'felt something on his back'. Lo and behold a constrictor was hiding out in his couch cushion. It is thought the snake slithered in via the WC. Hello heart attack. Full scoop from the Daily News

Mmmmm...dinner.

2009-02-17T20:47:00.000-05:00

I started smoking again. There's something about the dead of winter that makes me want to chain smoke. This confuses me because I live in really, really super serious cold. I hadn't smoked in almost a year because it suddenly became disgusting to me. Now out of nowhere it's back to being delicious? I don't get it.

2009-02-17T13:51:00.000-05:00

NEW SHOW ANNOUNCEMET:

My newish band called the Dead Sparrows are playing at Piano's on Wed. February 25th at 8:00 pm...yes 8 pm.

I remember when I would just be wrapping up my arts and crafts for the night and getting ready to head to bed at 8 pm to get up for school at 6:30 am. Man how the times change...8 pm seems really early to me now, but not too early to rock faces!

the show features Des Roar and Gringo Starr as well squares