Fuckin' Burger Shots

NEW YORK, New York -- I consider myself adventurous. I like to try new things. And like all adventuring persons, not all of those adventures are in the name of good health.

Today's adventure took me up exotic Fifth Avenue to New York's remote Midtown Burger King, home to homeless folk, unnecessarily obnoxious middle school students and beat cops. It's a complex ecosystem in delicate balance where the slightest disturbance might unhinge schizophrenics or counter jockeys alike. I've made my way here for the new mysterious Burger Shots snack advertised on all major networks all the time.

From the documentation, the Burger Shot resembles the southwestern Angus patties prized for their lower fat content and juiciness. I mean look at the little fellas -- so elegant looking with their flame-broiled stripes and golden bun. You can almost imagine the majesty of adding cheese to their crowns. But at the same time, something looks quite familiar about them; I can't quite place it. Yes, to the untrained eye they could be confused for that gang from the other side of the tracks -- the White Castle Sliders, but I have a discerning intellect and haven't made that mistake. Still, I just can't place it.

I wade stealthly to the counter area and in a sweet, assertive voice tell the cashier "a round of burger shots, please" and add "why don't ya toss some chez up on them bitches" so as not to seem out of place and be taken advantage of. I've rubbed hot apple pies all over my body to mask my scent... and to just smell good, and with a subtle change in my speech I'm virtually undetectable. So with my burger shots in toe, I make my way through the building, out the door back into the streets and back to my desk to evaluate my research, and then it hits me. These little "Burger Shots" as they call them are just "Burger Buddies" from the late 80s. I use to eat these little guys at birthday parties, at the Mall, when there was still an arcade... I loved that arcade... But seriously, I've been duped!

***Spoiler Alert***

In Conclusion: There is nothing adventurous about Burger Shots. It's a rouse and I'm a dope. I just hope others can learn from my experiences and avoid the humiliation of believing they've found a new beautiful meal in God's wild kingdom.