AHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!

Here are a couple of recent news stories to brighten up your day!

COTTONWOOD, Ariz. — A bobcat has attacked three people in the central Arizona community of Cottonwood, including two men who were bitten by the animal after it wandered inside a bar.

Officers called to the Chapparal Bar arrived to find the bobcat in the parking lot, where they shot and killed it.

Tests were ordered to determine if the animal was rabid. It wasn't clear how seriously the victims had been wounded.

Cottonwood police say the animal attacked Monday when it scratched a woman who thought she had hit it with her car. Then police got a report of a bobcat acting aggressively toward a woman outside a Pizza Hut.

About 11 p.m. came the call from the bar that a bobcat was inside as patrons climbed atop bar stools to get away.

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Information from: KVRD-FM, http://www.myradioplace.com/


Vince Shlomi, ShamWow Pitchman, Arrested For Battering Hooker

ShamWow pitchman Vince Shlomi was arrested on felony battery charges in Miami last month following a violent encounter with a hooker, according to The Smoking Gun:

Shlomi told cops he paid [Sasha] Harris about $1000 in cash after she "propositioned him for straight sex." Shlomi said that when he kissed Harris, she suddenly "bit his tongue and would not let go." Shlomi then punched Harris several times until she released his tongue. The affidavit...notes that during the 4 AM fight Harris sustained facial fractures and lacerations all over her face.... After freeing his tongue, a bleeding Shlomi ran to the [hotel] lobby, where security summoned cops. Harris refused to cooperate with officers, who recovered $930 from her purse.
Harris is reportedly considering a lawsuit against Shlomi, though prosecutors "declined to file formal charges" against him.

Watch him pitch the ShamWow below:

Today In History: March 27

Good Morning Historianites! Today was a big, big day in history, so let's take a look into the files and see what happened!

1. 1790 - The shoelace was invented!! Hooray! Instead of being completely satisfied with slip-ons or leather-banded roman sandals, culture came up with the shoelace - a far more complicated way of keeping those soles strapped to your feet. It would be centuries before we created velcro, helping us inch back toward footwear ease. But that wouldn't stop shoelaces, they're still around. There are even people stupid enough to create blogs about it!!!

2. 1973 - Today was the day of the 45th Academy Awards! And the night that Marlon Brando, nominated for Best Actor for his performance in the Godfather, would refuse to accept his Oscar on behalf of the struggling native peoples of America. Apparently, Brando was protesting the depiction and treatment of Indians in Hollywood pictures, which makes a lot of sense considering there were tons of Indians in the Godfather. Good job, Marlon on taking on a cause for a few years.

3. 1982 - Sadly, musical performances of "The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas" ceased today, ending a run of 1577 shows. Really Sad. Everyone loves a good whore, but 1982 was also the year the musical was adapted to film and starred Dolly Parton and her big cans. Everyone rejoiced at the idea they might get a peak at those babies. Then everyone was sad again when they didn't. Now, Dolly isn't much of a whore - although Dollywood really blurs the lines a bit... she might be a commercial whore - but I think a lot of us will agree that if she was a whore, we'd like to take a gander at that tasty set of hers. I mean seriously, those are some big guns. I'm not into prostitution, but I do believe in rewarding excellence and I think maybe she should win a cash prize for those things.

Now, that we've covered the peripheral stuff, let's get down to business. Real business...

4. 1985 - Billy Dee Williams is given his star on the walk of fame. Lando Calrissian, space hustler extraordinare, given the shiny key to Hollywood... which he no doubt lost gambling space credits he couldn't cover in a game of Zinbiddle with Walex Blissex. Easy come, easy go Lando. But the award was meant to honor great performances such as this one.

and finally...

5. 1988 - In what could only be considered the greatest sporting event of the century, Macho Man Randy Savage pins Ted Dibiase for the WWF Title at Wrestlemania IV. Now, Macho Man was tired... Real tired. Anyone would be after having to beat One Man Gang in a qualifying match, and Dibiase took full advantage of it. But Savage battled back, trying to land a Savage Elbow on Dibiase, who moved at the last second and countered with his own Million Dollar Dream, a near flawless manuever guaranteed to drop the most fierce opponents into an asphyxiated sleep. But Savage's old pal, Hulk Hogan hit Dibiase with a chair when the referee wasn't looking, which allowed Savage to escape Dibiase's clutches and attempt another Savage Elbow from the top turnbuckle. This time Savage landed it and after the three count became the World Wrestling Federation's Champion. The two buddies celebrated by holding up posters of Miss Elizabeth, Savage's lady friend and snapping into Slim Jims. Later Hogan and Savage would create the awesome tagteam of "The Mega Powers" which ruled the WWF for 14 months... How 'bout that!!!

mmm, mmm, good

Wow! you are thinking, this looks like a delicious carrot cake with scrumptious cream cheese icing, cut me a slab! -but this is where you are wrong. What we have here is a cake made of meatloaf layered with mashed potato frosting. Requesting one for your next birthday? Then check out some other interesting (heart attack-inducing) food combos

Jersey's Hair Crisis Is Over

The AquaNet capital of the world has finally figured out their hair down there crisis.

We can all let out our collective sigh of relief.

Greetings!

Hi all. Jenny Jackets invited me to your world. I will now attempt to amaze and enchant you with my brand of distilled interweb juice.

Thanks for having me.

-fahquah (jello-sweater)

JM vs. the Cockroach

Spring is upon us and for me that mostly means resuming my epic struggle against cockroaches.

I pride myself on being able to keep a cool head when one of these lil fuckers makes its presence known and because of this, I have become skilled in assassinating them one at a time...deliberatly and without guilt or remorse.

I don't believe that any species should outlive our nuclear war. We made the bombs, not them, what do they bring to the table in the total annihilation game? Nothing, plus they're pretty gross looking in general.

My favorite style is the straight up foot squash, but this is not always the most effective because these guys are fast and can go places your foot is rendered ineffective. Also, I've heard this spreads their eggs. That's where having the proper tools makes all the difference.

This is a good one. My girl has got these things laying all over the house and they're good for sweeping them out of cracks and corners; cause lets face it, cockroaches are super thin!

Also, having an empty coffee can or glass-that-you-don't-drink-out-of helps too when you want so savor the victory and flush them down the ole water works. But if you go with this method, have something flat handy...like a CD ready to go. But honestly I don't trust that they're dying and not just making a huge sewer society or something. Use with caution!

But the most important weapon of all is consistency. These guys talk, and if it becomes known that you're the type of household that let's them do their thing and get away with it, pretty soon they're gonna be all up in your kitchen eating your cereal...FUCK THAT!

So these things are ninjas too; you get a split second to be surprised, thats perfectly acceptable, but then your next steps are to remain calm, assess the situation, arm yourself and get to it.

Happy Monday!

for your monday enjoyment

Same order. 3 second Flash....ready...go!