Umm... Can I Have My Penis Back?

Last night I browsing my Netflix "watch instantly" queue, when I stumbled across an old gem that I have always had the intention to watch but haven't gotten around to yet.

"Teeth" is a satirical thriller/horror movie that makes social commentary on the ongoing problem that our young women today are experiencing that is "vagina dentata." What is vagina dentata you might ask? Well duh, its Latin for toothed vagina. Read a fucking book. 

The movie starts with a strong theme in religious sexual "purity" with the Jonas Brothers rings and everything. After a startling sexual assault by one of her "purity" classmates, the main character Dawn finds out that she has the ability to sever any penis, finger or any thing else that is in her vagina that she doesn't feel comfortable with. This power turns into a moral struggle that I think most young women who suffer from vagina dentata deal with. Should I use my um condition to cleanse the world of bad dudes, or should I figure out a way to control my vagina? I know i know, it has to be a terribly difficult decision for the thousands of young suburban American women who suffer from vagina dentata to have to face on a daily basis. The movie covers the pitfalls and the glory of both promiscuity and abstinence as well as the power one has with a toothed vagina. Amazing.

For all the young women out there who have teeth in their vagina, there is help out there. Watch this movie, it will shine a light on your vagina like never before. Plus there is this scene where one of the severed penises totally gets eaten by a dog right in front of the dude. Awesome!

Dear Otter: We're OVER.

Stop what you're doing and watch this video this instant! It melted my cold, black heart in mere seconds. Hopefully he'll live a long, healthy life and not end up on the top of Jon's BK Burger Shots.

Fuckin' Burger Shots

NEW YORK, New York -- I consider myself adventurous. I like to try new things. And like all adventuring persons, not all of those adventures are in the name of good health.

Today's adventure took me up exotic Fifth Avenue to New York's remote Midtown Burger King, home to homeless folk, unnecessarily obnoxious middle school students and beat cops. It's a complex ecosystem in delicate balance where the slightest disturbance might unhinge schizophrenics or counter jockeys alike. I've made my way here for the new mysterious Burger Shots snack advertised on all major networks all the time.

From the documentation, the Burger Shot resembles the southwestern Angus patties prized for their lower fat content and juiciness. I mean look at the little fellas -- so elegant looking with their flame-broiled stripes and golden bun. You can almost imagine the majesty of adding cheese to their crowns. But at the same time, something looks quite familiar about them; I can't quite place it. Yes, to the untrained eye they could be confused for that gang from the other side of the tracks -- the White Castle Sliders, but I have a discerning intellect and haven't made that mistake. Still, I just can't place it.

I wade stealthly to the counter area and in a sweet, assertive voice tell the cashier "a round of burger shots, please" and add "why don't ya toss some chez up on them bitches" so as not to seem out of place and be taken advantage of. I've rubbed hot apple pies all over my body to mask my scent... and to just smell good, and with a subtle change in my speech I'm virtually undetectable. So with my burger shots in toe, I make my way through the building, out the door back into the streets and back to my desk to evaluate my research, and then it hits me. These little "Burger Shots" as they call them are just "Burger Buddies" from the late 80s. I use to eat these little guys at birthday parties, at the Mall, when there was still an arcade... I loved that arcade... But seriously, I've been duped!

***Spoiler Alert***

In Conclusion: There is nothing adventurous about Burger Shots. It's a rouse and I'm a dope. I just hope others can learn from my experiences and avoid the humiliation of believing they've found a new beautiful meal in God's wild kingdom.

Sorry Mom!!!!

I'm sure the female followers of the Handsome World have several stories they could contribute to my new favorite site.


*thank you Cristo for introducing me to Sorry Mom!!!!

April Fools... World!

So today is April 1st, activation day for the Conficker virus and god only knows what will happen to the 9 to 15 million computers that are infected with it.

What I'm hoping for is a sequel to that sweet Hackers movie that came out in 1995!

Remember how HOT Angelina was in that movie! You get to see her boob for like two seconds... and it's so fucking RAD!

And if you pause it you can look at it as long as you want!

I guess i'll just be glad that this won't effect me or probably any of you seeing how i haven't used a PC in like seven years. 

But I say good luck to the French air force, Royal navy, Sheffield hospital network, UK Ministry of defence and all the other PC users who are going to get all there porn or whatever ripped away from them when that baby kicks in.

HAPPY APRIL FOOLS DAY EVERYBODY!

____________________________________

I would also like to take this time thank the wonderful peeps at handsome world for allowing me to be the newest contributer 

THANKS... now check out these boobs i found on google images.

I think it's true love

I just adopted these needy little guys. Their MSRP is let's just say in the four digit range....but I scored them for $50 bucks. I don't think I've ever felt this close to ecstatic before.

TONIGHT ON THE BOWERY

this is going to happen!